caffeinatrix (caffeina) wrote,

  • Music:

crunky kids

Wow. I just want all of this eviction/probate misery to be over and done with so I can get on with my life. Sherioushly.

I want to use some of the money I got from my mom's life insurance to go travel, visit pippilina and see some sights. I don't want to fritter it all away on home repair and renovations, because, though they are necessary and responsible and important, they are boring. I want to spend less time imposing on my cool tenants here in Santa Cruz, too. I want to get a part-time job of some sort and behave like a normal person.

I have been thinking about my mom a lot, wishing that she could see the progress i've made with the house, with myself. I miss having her witness all of the random trivialities of my world. I used to love calling her up to tell her about weird stuff I saw, or did, gossiping, complaining, joking around. She was really funny, and silly. I keep thinking how happy I am that I managed to show her around the city as I knew it, that I dragged her to a Negativland show, that we got to watch great movies together. I'm trying to focus on all of the wonderful times we shared rather than dwelling on regrets, what-ifs, and all the unfinished business of life.

I've been trying to be a little more accessible to my friends, trying to keep in touch a bit. I realized recently that I have an unhealthy tendency to push people away, or to neglect them. I need people more than I seem to let on, and I want the people in my life to know that I care about them, and that they are important to me. I'm just incredibly bad about communicating that sort of thing.

I recently got in touch with an old friend, someone who I think about frequently but hadn't actually communicated with in a few years. We caught each other up, and I realized that, while he had no idea what was happening with me, I knew most of the important news in his life because I keep in touch from afar, in absentia, through common friends. And I am not terribly proactive about keeping up with those folks, either. I need to write letters to everyone I care about to let them know that they're very much alive in my heart, only less cheesily.

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