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emotional trainwreck

I've been thinking about my life, about what I'm doing and more to the point what i'm not doing. It seems like i'm hibernating, waiting to feel happy again. Waiting for something to happen. I feel like a tired old cliche of depression. I'm either shut down and numb or i'm shedding tears and replaying scenarios in my head, what ifs, what nows. It's definitely gotten worse. I can barely get out of bed these days.

I got a strange letter from my estranged half sister asking how we could be closer, asking if my mom has come to "visit" me since her death. What the hell? She also asked if my father, who is also her father, had done so. I wrote her back right away, explaining to her that I don't really have any sort of specific problems with her, just that we've been out of touch for so long that I feel alienated. I went on to give her an update about everything, and while I tried to sound upbeat, I found that I was getting more and more upset as I wrote. There's very little I feel enthusastic about anymore.

My uncle, who has been systematically destroying himself over the past several years, recently contacted me after several months' silence to tell me that he's completely destitute, in a wheelchair and on welfare, and he's trying to pressure me in to giving him money. He's a complete wreck and he's killing himself in slow-motion. He's convinced that i'm keeping money from him, or something. That's really gross and upsetting to me.


( 4 uh-ohs — Make a mess )
May. 8th, 2002 10:41 pm (UTC)
What Ifs and What Nows are evil. I hate them. I try to keep them as simple as possible.

Getting in touch with relatives is a good thing!

Getting harrassed by relatives is a bad thing!


May. 9th, 2002 06:21 am (UTC)
eep. it seems like this is the week for this kind of thing.

my aunt wrote me after being out of touch for 7 years. [she ran off to colorado, bought a bunch of land, including a mountain, and has become a weird hermit with my uncle. they're old school hippies, living off the land and all that.] weird. but good, i guess.

your uncle is an adult and is responsible for himself. it's not your job to take care of him, specially if he's intent on destroying himself. if it was no fault of his own that he was where he is, that would be one thing but expecting you to bail him out and cater to him like a child crying over not being able to eat candy is... well, gross and sad. people like that make me mad. grrr.

i hope things turn around for you towards the better end of things! being depressed is no fun at all. :(
May. 13th, 2002 10:57 am (UTC)

girl you need an adventure and stepping out big time 2 get away from all this weird shit and get some quality thinking space and distance from these people

get away from it all to enable clearer introspection!

away, off to some exotic mediterranean island in greek or turkey or something with clear blue water, roman ruins, and cheap delicious food and new smells and nobody yanking on your collar and peace and quiet and have yourself a glamorous new international cosmopolitan experience!

SOmeplace where you can bring watercolors and gouache and blocks of paper and pen and ink and have yourself a proper artistic vacation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


well thats a thought!
May. 13th, 2002 05:41 pm (UTC)
Yeah yr right. I need to do something to violently snap myself out of my headspace. I want to travel a lot but it looks like I won't really be able to until things are settled down in Santa Cruz, and i'm going to be running around like a stressmonkey until then.

Another good thing has come about though, so it's like, things are getting better, and i'll have a studio soon! RAWK.
( 4 uh-ohs — Make a mess )