caffeinatrix (caffeina) wrote,

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emotional trainwreck

I've been thinking about my life, about what I'm doing and more to the point what i'm not doing. It seems like i'm hibernating, waiting to feel happy again. Waiting for something to happen. I feel like a tired old cliche of depression. I'm either shut down and numb or i'm shedding tears and replaying scenarios in my head, what ifs, what nows. It's definitely gotten worse. I can barely get out of bed these days.

I got a strange letter from my estranged half sister asking how we could be closer, asking if my mom has come to "visit" me since her death. What the hell? She also asked if my father, who is also her father, had done so. I wrote her back right away, explaining to her that I don't really have any sort of specific problems with her, just that we've been out of touch for so long that I feel alienated. I went on to give her an update about everything, and while I tried to sound upbeat, I found that I was getting more and more upset as I wrote. There's very little I feel enthusastic about anymore.

My uncle, who has been systematically destroying himself over the past several years, recently contacted me after several months' silence to tell me that he's completely destitute, in a wheelchair and on welfare, and he's trying to pressure me in to giving him money. He's a complete wreck and he's killing himself in slow-motion. He's convinced that i'm keeping money from him, or something. That's really gross and upsetting to me.

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