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Fun Foto Friday

I've been stressed out and unhappy lately, but it's this very vague "I need to get my shit together and fast" sort of unhappiness. I haven't gotten very far with any of the goals I've set for myself recently. Being unproductive and creatively stagnant is doing a number on my self-image. I'm having strange anxiety nightmares every night, and feeling guilty and angry with myself when I wake up. I'm actually avoiding people, actively avoiding social interaction because I don't feel like I can offer much of anything conversationally or otherwise. I feel like my anger and unhappiness is very close to the surface, and it seeps out and taints the mood wherever I go. When someone invites me to a party, or a movie, or anything, I'm immediately thinking of a way out of it. It feels like all I do lately is make excuses. I know that this sort of thing sort of cycles around and builds on itself, and I'm aware of how illogical it sounds, but I can't seem to find the exit.

It's really awful, it can't continue, and I need to just snap the hell out of it.

I'm trying to get the motivation together to go downtown to have some of my digital photographs printed. If I can get them finished in time, they'll go up on a wall for a little show. If not, well, too bad.

Comments

( 12 uh-ohs — Make a mess )
gigabites
Mar. 22nd, 2002 02:48 pm (UTC)
welcome to my world.
caffeina
Mar. 22nd, 2002 09:47 pm (UTC)
Your world? Really? I thought you liked people!
gigabites
Mar. 23rd, 2002 03:33 am (UTC)
Generally I do...
but lately I don't go outside as much as I normally do. Maybe it's where I live but everyone here is so damn ordinary. Listen to the song "Frustration" by Soft Cell. Personally I would love to have a wife, family, kids, mortgage, dogs, and bad plumbing...but right now I really don't want to hear people talk about theirs. That's all people my age fucking talk about. And younger people seriously annoy me. So I dunno where I fit in.

Recently I been chided into going out with my friends (typically a set up w/ some poor girl who's life is as pathetic as mine) and that's about the extent of my social life.
caffeina
Mar. 23rd, 2002 03:59 am (UTC)
Re: Generally I do...
My social life only involves people who live with me or stay with me or come over here a lot. I'm not against socializing or anything, and once i'm out and about I can handle myself pretty well and hold my own but, I don't know, it stresses me out a lot. Sometimes it feels like so much effort to even follow a conversation, to come up with some sort of response to everything. It's awkward, and I feel like I look foolish sometimes. I need to just kind of get over it, I guess.

It sounds like we should have a support group. Except that we wouldn't ever show up!
razorart
Mar. 22nd, 2002 04:05 pm (UTC)
I can so relate.
The lack of motivation will pass, but in the meantime, it feels like hell.
DO force yourself to go out, though. That's what I have to do sometimes and it often works to get me out of my low self esteem moments.
caffeina
Mar. 22nd, 2002 09:46 pm (UTC)
I did force myself to go out and deal with the Photography stuff, and it amazed me how quickly my mood lifted when I was outside. I was standing at the bus stop photographing some hideous pigeons pecking at a piece of hideous leftover chicken and I just felt this sudden sense of relief and calm.

I even forced myself to go to a party with a bunch of intimidating, beautiful Indie kids. That was a little more challenging. I feel better having gone, though.

Like, "Oh well, that wasn't bad at all, silly cluck!"
beatings
Mar. 22nd, 2002 10:33 pm (UTC)
Yeah, sometimes going out and doing something, _anything_, is the best thing in the world. It's funny because, when you're sitting at home, you never have the urge to leave the house, but you know there's something just sort of wrong with the situation.

I think people should leave the house way more frequently than they do, but then again it's easy for me to say, cuz I'm in Portland and there's a lot of cool places to go once you start looking for them... I saw Barbarella at the Laurelhurst theatre last night! Ha ha woo, excellent run-down theatre than has tables in front of the movie seats and even sells beer. Awesome power.
caffeina
Mar. 23rd, 2002 12:18 am (UTC)
Re:
Oh that sounds brilliant! I want to explore Portland again someday. There's a place like that in Oakland, the Parkside theatre or something? I have heard many a tale about this place but I've never been. Oakland seems so far away!
beatings
Mar. 23rd, 2002 07:22 pm (UTC)
I think I heard about that place, it's a warehouse with lots of different chairs? Is that the one? MMm rrr maybe not?

Oakland is kind of far, you have to plan ahead when you want to go there! My commute from Oaktown to the SF financial district was only half an hour, though.
garote
Mar. 22nd, 2002 10:45 pm (UTC)
.
Caffeina remembers the truth: SHE ROxORS
caffeina
Mar. 23rd, 2002 12:18 am (UTC)
Re: .
r0x0rs wiTh b0x0rZ
(Anonymous)
Mar. 23rd, 2002 01:02 am (UTC)
Re: H4KKsprache
*shakes head* Kids these days, what with their wild computer speak and references to steenky-poopoo-undies.....
( 12 uh-ohs — Make a mess )