April 1st, 2002



I've been confronting a lot of intense anger and guilt that's been stirring just under the surface for some time now.

I keep having really distressing dreams and nightmares about my mother, and I wake from these dreams feeling frustrated and anxious. This is happening every night now. My emotions are very raw, and it's taking a lot of effort to keep from coming unhinged. When people ask me how I'm doing, I need to remember not to tell them all of this, because people don't want to know these things. I feel rootless, confused, afraid and overwhelmed.

On the other hand maybe it's a good sign, in a way, signalling a turning point. Perhaps through all of this I will find a way through the grief, I will find the answers I need. I still haven't really ever dealt with this, and to be honest I am frightened by the prospect of really diving in.

I worry about what I'll find there, I worry that I really can't handle it. It feels empty, and cold, and endless.