December 8th, 2001


Thinky thanky

Today has been a slow, quiet day. I read for a while, I ran some errands and watched a movie. Last night, I tried to buy a computer online, quasi-compulsively. My butt-sniffing bank won't let me make big purchases with my check card, which, in theory, should be "just like a check" but, apparently, they mean checks that don't exceed $300 or so. That seems a little retarded! I'm still going to get a new computer, since it's relatively cheap to do so, but, as Joel said, "Maybe this is a sign." So i'll wait a little.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my immediate-to-near-term future, feeling that i'm at a crossroads. Here is a list of stuff I want or need to do, in no particular order:

  • Get a studio space and seriously tackle some art. For the first time in a long while i'm having ideas for paintings and I can only do so much with my creative energies in my tiny cramped room. I think it would be an excellent method for working out some of my demons through messy catharsis, to have a place to be messy, selfish and self-absorbed without bugging anyone or anyone bugging me - wow! what a concept.
  • Fix up the house my mother left me, and rent it out, covering the mortgage/property taxes/homeowner's insurance as well as my own rent here in SF, if possible. I know it's feasible, financially. It's just that the house is in need of some major work, so i'll need to devote some time and a lot of energy to get it cleaned up.
  • Go through the monumental amount of stuff my mom collected and sort out what's worth keeping. Donate some, give some away, sell some, if necessary. This is going to be a very emotionally challenging issue, i'm very sentimental. It feels kind of sleazy, going through a dead person's memories and chucking things because they don't fit my life. There's a lot of family history too, and i'm really the only one around to deal with it.
  • Go swimming.
  • Deal with the whole Probate process and deal with the lawyers and give them a lot of money.
  • Take a bunch of classes. Learn fun, uselless/ful stuff.
  • Get a job. Temp, part time, something flexible, just some income.

I feel totally unprepared for the reality of all of this, but I guess I haven't fucked it up too much yet. I've been a difficult, pissy person to be around lately, and it's having a major negative impact on all of my friends and loved ones. Maybe I should take a lot of drugs, or spend a lot of time alone. If you've been negatively impacted by one of my moods, please know it's just me being an asshole, and I still probably love you and I promise to be nice and give you hugs and cookies later, okay?
  • Current Music
    Radiohead - Pyramid Song