caffeinatrix (caffeina) wrote,

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things to avoid thinking

My history of relationship troubles sometimes prevents me from seeing the wonder of potential and possibility. I no longer really feel that I'll ever find that "one" with whom I feel I belong. I want to shed the longing. I am trying to be satisfied without bliss. Without that connection. I think I am too weird, too many strange threads loosely woven together. Someone can grasp only small bits to relate to, and pulling one thread sometimes causes the whole thing to unravel. (cue the weezer, that was the worst metaphor ever.)

Naturally, I minimize aspects of myself which cause friction and magnify others in the interest of harmony, but who do I become when it's over? I'm a pastiche of learned behaviors which I adopted from all those old lovers. I almost wrote "failed" lovers, but that seems to imply that I seek a kind of "happily ever after" idealized relationship model, and I call Bullshit on THAT...

...At least, intellectually.

But all this gooey emotional crap is illogical, frivolous nonsense. In matters of the heart, knowing something is not equal to feeling it. Would that it were.

...really small oingo boingo lyrics!

We close our eyes
We close our eyes and dream and the world has turned around again

When everybody is running in the big race and havin a good time
who am i to cast a shadow? who am i? I looked death in the face
last night I saw him in a mirror and he simply smiled he told
me not to worry he told me just to take my time

We close our eyes and the world has turned around again
We close our eyes and dream and another year has come and gone
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again
We close our eyes and dream

And if you come to me
And if you touch my hand I might just slip away
I might just disappear - Who am I?
And if you think I'm worth it
And if you think it's not too late, we might start falling
If we don't try to hard, We might start falling in love

We're on the healing path we're on a roller coaster ride that could
never turn back and if you love me and if we really try to make
seconds count and we can close our eyes

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